One-Shot: Supernatural: We Might Die... So, Movie Night: for gryphon2k
Original Prompt: Crowley holds a screening of a horror movie—the Exorcist, Paranormal Activity, for examples—and spends the whole time mocking it (think Mystery Science Theater if you are familiar with it). Other guests are up to you...
Title: We Might Die… So, Movie Night
Warnings: Spoilers for the 3rd Paranormal Activity
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any related characters. All belongs to Kripke.
Synopsis: Set in SPN S7. It's the night before the group decides to take on Dick Roman, and Castiel knows just how they should spend it… whether the others wanted to or not.
Author's Notes: So, just a tiny bit of crack. I hope that everyone finds this amusing… and no offense meant to those who like the Paranormal Activity movies… the opinions that Crowley expresses are Crowley's, not mine. Written for the spn_bigpretzel Spring Exchange challenge.
We Might Die… So, Movie Night
It was threatening to be a quiet night, the likes of which Crowley had not seen since before that whole Apocalypse nonsense. And such a night was now especially rare as he was now the King of Hell. He sat back in his leather chair behind his overly large mahogany desk and sighed. Within the next twenty-four hours or so, the Winchesters and Co. would be taking on the Leviathan… and then, if Crowley thought he knew the way things would go—and he did—then all would be right in his own little corner of the world. He allowed a blissful smile to light his face as his eyes slid shut.
The familiar sound of fluttering wings brought a different kind of sigh to Crowley's lips. His eyes opened, brow already arched, and spied his newly arrived guests. Castiel—still dressed like the mental patient he was—and the Winchesters, who looked just about as happy about this change of scenery as Crowley felt. The King of Hell shook his head. He knew it couldn't last forever.
"Cas," Crowley said, forcing a jovialness to his voice as he stood, "to what do I owe the pleasure? Something wrong with our little plan to wipe Dick off the map?"
"What the hell, Cas?" Dean growled, apparently just catching up with the circumstances.
Castiel, looking somewhat like a kicked puppy, shrugged. "We might die tomorrow, and I thought we could all use some time to relieve some of the stress that that can cause."
Dean's hand flew up, pointing threateningly at Crowley as the demon already had a smirk planted firmly on his lips. "Not. One. Word."
Crowley held up his hands in surrender, putting his attention back on the angel. "So, Cas, how do I figure into this whole, stress-relief venture? I mean, I'm not going up against Roman tomorrow."
"True," the angel conceded. "But if we fail, then Roman will know that you provided us with your blood. He will seek your destruction."
Sam—whom Crowley had stopped thinking of as "Sam" a long time ago, preferring to constantly think of him as "Moose"—nodded.
"Cas has a point," Moose spoke.
Crowley sighed again, shaking his head. "All right, fine. What was the plan, Cas? And mind you, I'll not say no to 'orgy.'"
"I will," Dean said, a little too forcefully. Crowley couldn't resist.
"The lady doth protest too much," the demon chuckled.
"I had a different idea," Castiel said, oblivious—as usual—to innuendo and jesting.
"And what was that, Cas?" Dean asked.
Moments later, the group was in Crowley's theater room—because, yes, this manor had a theater room. Crowley had wanted all the perks if he was going to rule Hell. Meanwhile, Castiel was emerging from the projector room, and Crowley found himself wondering if the angel even knew how to work the equipment in there.
"Movie night?" Dean asked.
Castiel nodded, joining the other three seated in the front row. "Yes. I've observed humans enjoy movie nights occasionally."
"Yeah, but, Cas, we're not usually… hijacked to do so," Moose said gently.
Always so bloody sincere. Crowley sighed. Meanwhile, Dean was holding up a hand again.
"Wait… so, you hijacked all of us who might die tomorrow because of Roman, right?" the eldest Winchester asked.
"Then why the hell isn't Meg here?"
A fair question. Crowley leaned forward, around Sam, to stare down the angel.
"Yes, where is our dear little Meg?" he asked.
Castiel shrugged. "She's observing a pre-battle ritual."
"A what?" Crowley asked incredulously.
"Which is?" Sam asked.
"She's washing her hair."
Both Winchesters groaned, and Crowley chuckled. A moment later, a light clicked on, projecting images on the screen—the usual beginnings of a movie, showing the logos of the production companies and so forth.
"So what are we watching?" Dean asked.
"It's a sequel, I'm given to understand. Paranormal Activity 3," Castiel answered.
"Um, Cas, Dean and I haven't even seen the first two. Have you?" Sam inquired.
"I've seen the second one, yes."
"When did that happen?" Dean asked.
Now Crowley was smirking, and it was all he could do to wait it out and let Castiel finish his explanation. The anticipation was great.
"Crowley and I went to see it in a theater last year, when we were trying to open Purgatory," Castiel answered.
The movie was beginning now, but the audience's attention was all on Castiel.
"You and Crowley went on a date?" Dean said, choking the phrase out. Even in the darkened room, Crowley could see his brow furrowed as he was trying to process this information.
"Yes, had a grand ol' time, didn't we, Cas?" Crowley added.
"It was enjoyable," Castiel agreed.
"What?" Dean and Sam sputtered out in unison.
Castiel pressed a single finger to his lips. "Quiet. It's rude to talk during the movie."
Sam and Dean were left mouthing wordlessly, while Crowley reclined in his seat. This night might be some fun after all.
The movie had gone several scenes with no one speaking. Well, Crowley would make the occasional scoffs, but no one was really talking. The demon wasn't sure when, but at some point, popcorn had appeared, and Castiel kept offering it to everyone. Only Dean partook. Finally, however, there came a scene where the girl with the imaginary "demon" friend—and Crowley mentally did the finger quotes with that one—were talking in the middle of the night. Then, the girl, apparently possessed, leapt from the top of her staircase, only to walk back up it unharmed. At this, Crowley could take no more.
"This is such bollocks," he groaned.
"I hate to agree with you, but I do," Dean added.
Crowley glared at him from around the Moose. "You might agree, Dean-o, but you don't really understand."
"Here we go," the Moose muttered.
But Crowley ignored him and continued with his explanation. "We're demons. And while we do things that we enjoy, one of those things is most certainly not possessing people just to leap off of stairs. I mean, come on. You've just broken out of Hell, now equipped with powers you could've never dreamed of… what's the first thing you bloody well do? I'm asking."
Sam shrugged. "Catch up on what I've missed."
Castiel smiled. "Enjoy the bees once more."
Dean smiled too, but his was a lot more like a horny adolescent's. "Pie… then sex."
Crowley groaned again. "The lot of you are morons."
Crowley was finding it harder and hard to keep his mouth shut about the so-called demonic activity in this movie. And, for the most part, Dean, Sam, and Castiel were joining in with him. They had all agreed that the actions of this demon were more ghostly than demon. Dean was shaking his head at the father-figure's attempt to figure things out.
"Just get your damn kids and get out," Dean shouted at one point in the movie while the dad in the movie was simply sitting, idly, re-watching a video from the night before.
And then the mother and father had mounted a camera on a moving pedestal… and it was videotaping the babysitter, sitting at the dining room table.
"Oh, this is definitely a way to get arrested," Sam muttered, and even Crowley had to agree.
And then there was a kid in a ghost sheet disguise—like, literally, a sheet with holes cut out for eyes—on one rotation of the camera. And when the camera moved back, the sheet crumpled, harmlessly, to the floor. Crowley groaned.
"I've seen better bloody Halloween costumes!" he growled at the screen. "And what's the plan here? What does this so-called demon want? To scare them out of the house? Because I sincerely doubt a damn ghost sheet is going to do that!"
Dean let out a little snort of derision. "At this point, I doubt a freakin' atomic bomb would make this dad grab his kids and get moving. And why haven't they called for help? Why not a priest or something? Anything to show that this damn guy gives a crap about his family's well-being!"
Sam, meanwhile, breaking yet another movie-goer rule, had his cell phone out. Intently focused on it, he seemed to be scrolling down an internet page. Crowley rolled his eyes. First these do-gooders invade his home and force this terribly inaccurate film on him, and then they jack his wi-fi. Lovely. But Sam shook his head, lifting the phone to show to Dean.
"The people in the first movie called a psychic," he noted.
"A good one?" Dean asked, not looking at the phone.
Sam shook his head. "Nope."
"Figures," Dean sighed.
Castiel glanced over at his companions. "No cell phones."
"Cas, I was just—"
"No cell phones, Sam," Castiel said, reaching over and snatching the phone from the Winchester's grasp.
"You'll get it back at the end," Castiel said, pointing to the screen. "We should continue watching. I believe what is happening now is important to the plot."
"What plot?" Crowley snorted.
So the kitchen—in the movie—was suddenly empty. Nothing was on the shelves, and there weren't even chairs on the floor.
"Did the demon rob them or something?" Dean asked.
And in the next moment, the items came crashing down from the ceiling. Crowley had about had enough.
"No bloody way!" he shouted. "Oh, yes, I'm sure… I'm sure that the first thing a demon will do upon breaking into your home is to magically float all of your possessions to the ceiling, only to let them fall down again… and not even on top of you! This is complete bollocks! No demon worth its mettle would pull such a childish prank as to stick stuff to the ceiling!"
From beside him, Moose let out a gentle cough. Crowley turned to glare at him. "What?"
"That's what Yellow Eyes did to our mom," he said.
Crowley realized that Dean, Sam, and Castiel were all staring at him. He rolled his eyes.
"Yes, well, Azazel was definitely the special needs child of the demon fold," Crowley said, crossing his arms. "After all, he wanted Lucifer to walk the earth, which would have inevitably led to his own destruction. How intelligent was that?"
Sam and Dean exchanged a look while Castiel shrugged.
"That was most unwise," Castiel said, turning back to the movie.
And, once more, Sam and Dean couldn't argue.
The movie ended with a cut to static… but not before assuring you that the children's parents were dead, and that Toby—the demon—was still very much in their lives. Crowley shook his head, standing as the credits began to roll. The Winchesters and the angel all turned to stare up at him.
"This movie was ridiculous. Completely stupid," the King of Hell noted. Then, pointing to the screen, he added, "Fun fact, children. These movies only exist due to a demon deal. And it's almost due, so we won't have to suffer many more of these. Now, good night, good luck with your battle with Dick, and get the hell out of my house."
With that, Crowley simply turned and strode up the aisle. However, before he could exit the room, he heard Castiel, clearly addressing the Winchesters.
"I enjoyed the film."
Crowley groaned again. And to think, this is the angel that betrayed him and successfully opened Purgatory. He was deeply ashamed.